yeah… I am upset

September 25, 2009

Considering you said, in the middle of a meeting, “Im going to punch her!” for answering a question… YES I AM PISSED! I AM INSULTED! I AM HURT! I AM OFFENDED!!! Who wouldnt be? I answered a simple question trying to be helpful. I am sorry that I came up with the answer 30 seconds faster than you did. Jesus fucking christ! Is that any reason to react that way? Is that any SANE reason to say something like that?!

FUCK! Help me understand this, please!

Lets start this out right

September 21, 2009

Work is going great, I am advancing fast. Very busy, very long hours, very little sleep.┬áLast week I worked 76 hours. I am exhausted… and might be getting sick.

Im not going to lie though. I would very much like to work less. I love my job and what I do, but it is very overwhelming. I don’t have much time for friends or family. In fact, I no longer have friends. The sappy “I miss you” texts and emails have stopped flooding in. I am left with a husband, a dog, and a best friend who lives 3 states away. Thankfully, due to that distance, he hasn’t noticed any absence in me. It kills me though. I no longer have an outlet for my frustrations and thoughts.

This summers vacation was monumental. I absorbed as much time as possible with the hubby and doggy in a week long road trip. I have fallen in love with Seattle… and with the idea of a different life.

I often wonder if it is possible to have the job of my dreams and the life of my dreams. Back when I created this “job of my dreams” I cared very little about marriage and children. I thought it was always going to be me, only me, and the occasionally person passing through my life. Thus creating the original “dream life”. However, things have changed. I now have a husband who wants children. I, myself, think the idea is great. The execution, however, is a bit more tricky. Why bother bringing a child into the world that I will never see, that will never get to know me, and who will find me as the “occasional person passing through”? What a cruel life to give someone. I have no objections to daycares and babysitters. I feel no need, whatsoever, to stay at home and raise a child as so many women feel the need to do. I don’t think that a few hours a day in daycare will harm a kid. After all, it worked for my parents. And I turned out basically ok. But daycares for parents that work 70+ hours a week DO NOT EXIST! And its not fair to ask my husband to do it all on his own. Even if he feels thats what he wants right now. I would much rather him resent me for not giving him a kid, than for giving him a kid that he raised on his own while I trotted the globe for work. This might very well be the lesser of two evils.


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